"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead"

There are times when I have so much to say that I am not even sure what I should say. I hate wasting time. So a lot of times I measure my thoughts by this concept that, "is this worth thinking or speaking about or is it just going to waste mine or someone else's time? How important is this really?" And I'm sure I am not the only human on the earth that lives like this, but I think that maybe sometimes this form of evaluating my thoughts or issues or problems or whatever is flawed. The only reason I think that is because it is easy for me to deflect issues that I should actually deal with because they actually seriously effect me, but who wants to deal with the things that might cause them to feel any form of discomfort. Not me, that's for sure.

So this blog might be more serious but sometimes life calls for a serious moment, right?

I was watching this show recently called Life Unexpected. I'm not going to explain the show because that's not how I want to spend my time in this blog, but this last episode I watched made me really think about myself. Deeply.

Obviously if you have read any of my blog entry's so far, you'll notice that I am getting over a past relationship.Whatever. Not the point. I think the point I'm trying to make is that there are times when I have though that maybe I'm not good enough. That maybe I am too damaged for someone to stick around. I'm not looking for pity, so please wipe the slate clean but I need to explain why I feel this way. My parent's got divorced when I was just a little kid, I don't ever really remember having a dad. A girl needs her father. This is something I deeply believe. Then of course I grew up which my home life was actually pretty great, but I had other issues outside of the home. I really don't want to have a Dr. Phil session, but bad things were done to me. So I never really thought to much about dating. I didn't even get my first kiss until I was nineteen! I know right?

I do have to say I've never felt more loved or complete then I did when I was with my Ex-boyfriend. It felt so right to finally let someone into my life and to actually trust them. Someone that made me feel like I mattered, and that I was a part of something bigger then myself. I mean I have great friends and family that give me feelings similar to that, but just it was so different. No one had ever taken the time to love me like that. To take care of me like that. To listen to me like that. And no one has ever hurt me or betrayed me as deeply as that person did. Loving someone is a choice. Sure you have feelings...but you make the choice to follow those feelings, and you make the choice to walk away from those feelings as well. I wish I could say that it ended because life just happens...but that would be a lie. And I don't want to lie, not to myself or to others.

I am not okay. I'm really screwed up on the inside from all the lies, and the selfishness it's effected me deeply. All I ever wanted was just to belong somewhere, to finally feel like a piece of me wasn't being forgotten or overlooked. All I wanted was just for someone to want to keep me around even after they saw the parts of me that were broken. All I wanted was to be good enough for someone. I sound like I'm having a pity party. And who knows maybe I am. But these are the things that I have had to live with because of other peoples choices.


All these people made me believe that I wasn't good enough, and that I wasn't worth anything more then just to be a body to fulfill some sort of need in them. I have hated others. I've hated myself. But none of that fixed the problem. So maybe that's what I am trying to say...I have a problem. I'm really hurt. I'm really scared. And I am very human.

But there is something that all of this has taught me, a reason and rhyme to this whole post.
People are going to disappoint you at someone point, and it's going to hurt a lot and it's probably not fair. But learn to recognize the difference of when it's something you did and when it's actually just that there is something wrong within the other person. You can't make someone care for you and you can't make someone not care for you. It's all on them.

My motto: Don't let other people's decisions effect how you view yourself. The truth is often times, there is nothing wrong with you, there is something wrong with them. Something they need to work on. Don't put there burden on yourself.

This is my Manifesto