"My Conscience is kinda an Asshole"

You know whenever I imagine a conscience I imagine the movie Pinocchio and his little grasshopper friend Jiminy Cricket. If you have ever seen the movie then you probably recall that he was Pinocchio's Conscience and he was suppose to help guide him with wisdom and shit...Kinda like his own personal Buddha or Ghandi maybe...

I would like to say for the record that is not what the universe gave me. No instead the universe gave me a conscience that acts a little more like this:

Me: Just minding my own business, maybe in a library reading a book
Conscience: Oh hey Ashley, long time no talk...Just kidding (Haha), Hey...hey...Remember that time you you ripped your pants and everyone saw your underwear...
Me: Ignoring it, and continues reading...
Conscience: You remember? I mean you really split them good! And everyone...I MEAN EVERYONE saw it happen.
Me: Deep sigh, continue to ignore but losing focus...read same sentence ten times.
Conscience: Hey...Hey...You remember how everyone laughed. I was so embarassed for you...You must have been really Embarassed.
Me: OKAY I SHOULD HAVE INVESTED IN PANTS THAT FIT ME! ARE YOU HAPPY?! NOW SHUT UP!
Conscience: Silence...
Me: Finally!
Conscience: Hey...You remember when you peed your pants in the school bathroom...


Yeah so as you can see I got stuck with this asshole. So today my motto is this:
When your inner monologue is getting to be a bitch, remember that past is the past and there isn't any use crying over spilled milk.

This is my Manifesto

"You're only human afterall"

There are times when you have to realize one simple truth... Those tears you are sheading aren't for Him or her or them or whoever...Those tears are for yourself and your hurt, and it's okay to let them fall if that is going to make you feel better and help you heal.

Motto: It's okay to hurt and to express that hurt. Don't ever feel stupid for that.

This is my Manifesto.

"Sometimes I just want to set you on fire...Just kidding. {But seriously}"

Today I watched a friend of mine burn pictures of her life with her ex-husband. We all stood around this charcoal grill as she threw her pictures in and squirted a Shit ton of lighter fluid on them, and then struck a match and chucked it in. BAM! Those pictures were gone in one quick moment, the heat and flames melting and erasing years of memories. I'd say that was the best kind of therapy. It got me wishing that I too could burn up all the memories I had of my past relationship. It would be such a relief to have it all gone.

I'm all about forgiveness and moving on, don't get me wrong. But sometimes you just want to give that person the middle finger and tell them to fuck off.

I mean we all go through the stages of break-ups....the I-cry-everytime-something-reminds-me-of-you, the I-want-them-I-need-them, the I-must-flirt-with-every-guy-to-feel-better-about-myself, the I-swear-if-I-ever-see-you-again-I-will-punch-you, the I-realize-now-how-awesome-I-am-without-you....

So if you're going through a break-up you should know now that it is going to be quite sometime before you get over it. But rest assured you will get over it. Not everything lasts forever, the world is far to finite for that to be possible. 

Another life motto: You won't always get what you want, but you will always get what you need.

So just try to remember that even in sucky situations that you will always have what you need, maybe that's good friends, or awesome family. A lesson learned. whatever. The universe does not leave you empty handed.

As always This is my Manifesto.

"How about a side of crazy with that?"

Here's some quick 101 on yours truly I am a huge mental case. This is not a joke. I am completely 100% serious. I am what one might call a Hypochondriac with some mild OCD because of that.
Oh I'm really good at hiding most of my habits because I realized pretty quickly its not normal to be so spaztastic...It makes people think your weird. I mean society has it's unwritten rules about what they deem to be normal behavior and what makes you a complete outcast. I'm not saying that it's good or bad, I'm just saying that it's true.

So let me welcome you into my mind for a bit. At any given moment this is what is running through my head, 'Was that freckle there yesterday' 'I have a headache, it must be a brain tumor' 'Where did this bruise come from, I must have cancer'...Etc...And this is a constant thing..it never really shuts off. I'm always thinking about death. I know it's creepy, it's not because I'm suicidal or anything like that so don't go freaking out. It's only that I am always assuming that I am dying, and I know logically that I am not dying, but when I get in this mode it's like I have no logical thought process at all. It's like I'm two people almost and when the crazy me takes over and the calm me just stands on the sidelines and watches. These thoughts can consume me at times pretty severely and that's when I get become Spazerilla.

Let me give you an examples of my spaziness:
1. I can't touch raw meat, if I do then I will spend about ten minutes washing and rewashing my hands in scolding hot water even though it hurts. And then spend another fifteen minutes after that worrying that I didn't get my hands clean enough.
2. I can't eat any meat that is at all pink or I feel isn't cooked to my standards.
3. I can't handle chemicals...and by that I mean cleaning products or like bug sprays or things that could also cause me hard. When I do force myself I have to use gloves and the entire time I'm completely stressed that it is going to get on me or into my body....
4. I get panic attacks over this stuff.

Do you see how illogical all that is? I mean sure it's good to think about safety but I mean I go way over the top and trust me I don't want to be like that, it's frustrating when you know that you are being completely ridiculous but you can't stop yourself from responding that way. It's not something that I can easily just tell myself not to do, even though I wish it were.

I have gotten a lot better then I used to be, and I work at it daily to try to correct my way of thinking or at least bring myself under control. I mean mental health isn't something people really focus a lot of time on, but just like physical health if you don't take care of yourself, you can get very unhealthy. I should know. I am a huge mental case. This is only one of my problems amongst others but all of them come from what I like to call a distorted way of thinking. I'm not saying I am bad or that anyone like me is bad. I'm just acknowledging that I have a problem because it effects the quality of my life in a negative way.

My Life motto is this:
Be honest with yourself and Be honest with others. This is just taking my own advice. I have nothing to hide. I love myself for who I am, even the parts of me that make me Spazerific!

Once again this is my manifesto.

"Am I the only one who wanted to be a cat lady growing up?"

I think I may have forgotten what it's like to be single. I mean sure I only dated the guy for a year but that was a year of my life that I spent devoting my time and energy to someone other then myself. Not that I am super selfish or anything but when you date someone their needs come first, Usually. Now that I am a single woman again [Well technically I've been single for like five months but I was dealing with the emotions of a break up and why am I explaining myself?]. So now that I am ready in some ways to be back on the market, I realize that I have completely forgotten how it was to be single.

I crush on like every sweet guy that bats his eyelashes in my direction. Thoughts that run through my head on average: 'Look at how perfect his smile is' 'Oh my gosh, he is so funny and we get along so easily' 'Who knows, this may be the one for me'...etc. You get the point. That's slightly pathetic, don't you think? I mean come on you think I wouldn't be so school-girlish after everything that has happened, but no. Here I am again back at the beginning. I am circulating around with the rest of the mainstream world that is searching for "the one". Though that is a concept I don't believe in. But the desire to find someone to connect with on a completely unique and significant level... I totally understand and even support that.

I think I need to implement a new thing for myself...That I try to look at every person as a possible friend, instead of a possible love interest. That might help me keep everything light-hearted and less attached until I figure out everything that I'm going through and how to live for myself. I don't want to build my life around someone else, I want to build my life for me and then invite someone to come share those experiences with me. Because I've often heard that the best kinds of love always bud from really great friendships.

So here's to my quest for a really great friendship with a strong leading male. Wish me luck virtual community of people who may or may not be reading this.

This is my Manifesto.