"Why are you Judging these people?"

Why do people judge other people? Like I am just wondering if there is a book somewhere that says exactly how a person should be and how they shouldn't? Cause if not what are people basing these judgements off of? I'm not trying to say there is no right or wrong, cause I definitely believe in right and wrong, but I meant judgements more as in, who someone is, how they should act, how they should look...all that fun stuff. Maybe that is the main reason we have so many problems, we all have this thing in us that wants to form this idea of perfection, or what is the best way to be, and when people fall outside of that vision...BAM!! JUDGEMENT!!

I think it's hard for us as humans not to judge, and if I said I didn't do that it would make me a liar as well. I just try my hardest not to allow myself to judge others, because who am I? I'm nobody special just another human being amongst the rest. People have a right to be who they were born to be, and not me or anyone else on this earth should really have the right to try and diminish them for that. I'm not trying to preach at anyone, or spread anymore hate. I am just explaining some thoughts I've been having.

My motto: Try to approach people and situations with an attitude and a mindset of understanding. It doesn't mean you have to agree or even really understand, but attempting too, will really help the way you view others and the world around you. Who knows, you might even learn something.

For now, This is my Manifesto

"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead"

There are times when I have so much to say that I am not even sure what I should say. I hate wasting time. So a lot of times I measure my thoughts by this concept that, "is this worth thinking or speaking about or is it just going to waste mine or someone else's time? How important is this really?" And I'm sure I am not the only human on the earth that lives like this, but I think that maybe sometimes this form of evaluating my thoughts or issues or problems or whatever is flawed. The only reason I think that is because it is easy for me to deflect issues that I should actually deal with because they actually seriously effect me, but who wants to deal with the things that might cause them to feel any form of discomfort. Not me, that's for sure.

So this blog might be more serious but sometimes life calls for a serious moment, right?

I was watching this show recently called Life Unexpected. I'm not going to explain the show because that's not how I want to spend my time in this blog, but this last episode I watched made me really think about myself. Deeply.

Obviously if you have read any of my blog entry's so far, you'll notice that I am getting over a past relationship.Whatever. Not the point. I think the point I'm trying to make is that there are times when I have though that maybe I'm not good enough. That maybe I am too damaged for someone to stick around. I'm not looking for pity, so please wipe the slate clean but I need to explain why I feel this way. My parent's got divorced when I was just a little kid, I don't ever really remember having a dad. A girl needs her father. This is something I deeply believe. Then of course I grew up which my home life was actually pretty great, but I had other issues outside of the home. I really don't want to have a Dr. Phil session, but bad things were done to me. So I never really thought to much about dating. I didn't even get my first kiss until I was nineteen! I know right?

I do have to say I've never felt more loved or complete then I did when I was with my Ex-boyfriend. It felt so right to finally let someone into my life and to actually trust them. Someone that made me feel like I mattered, and that I was a part of something bigger then myself. I mean I have great friends and family that give me feelings similar to that, but just it was so different. No one had ever taken the time to love me like that. To take care of me like that. To listen to me like that. And no one has ever hurt me or betrayed me as deeply as that person did. Loving someone is a choice. Sure you have feelings...but you make the choice to follow those feelings, and you make the choice to walk away from those feelings as well. I wish I could say that it ended because life just happens...but that would be a lie. And I don't want to lie, not to myself or to others.

I am not okay. I'm really screwed up on the inside from all the lies, and the selfishness it's effected me deeply. All I ever wanted was just to belong somewhere, to finally feel like a piece of me wasn't being forgotten or overlooked. All I wanted was just for someone to want to keep me around even after they saw the parts of me that were broken. All I wanted was to be good enough for someone. I sound like I'm having a pity party. And who knows maybe I am. But these are the things that I have had to live with because of other peoples choices.


All these people made me believe that I wasn't good enough, and that I wasn't worth anything more then just to be a body to fulfill some sort of need in them. I have hated others. I've hated myself. But none of that fixed the problem. So maybe that's what I am trying to say...I have a problem. I'm really hurt. I'm really scared. And I am very human.

But there is something that all of this has taught me, a reason and rhyme to this whole post.
People are going to disappoint you at someone point, and it's going to hurt a lot and it's probably not fair. But learn to recognize the difference of when it's something you did and when it's actually just that there is something wrong within the other person. You can't make someone care for you and you can't make someone not care for you. It's all on them.

My motto: Don't let other people's decisions effect how you view yourself. The truth is often times, there is nothing wrong with you, there is something wrong with them. Something they need to work on. Don't put there burden on yourself.

This is my Manifesto

"Grown-up equals Responsibility"

Sometimes it's easy to not take responsibility for the things that we do, and to blame it on other people, or make excuses as to why it's okay...But honestly it's just a sign of our own immaturity.We will all be wrong at some point or other, maybe it's something we will say or something we will do but it will be wrong, because it will hurt other people and maybe ourselves. All this is to be expected considering we're humans and therefore not perfect, but even that doesn't excuse us.

I can say this about myself. I hate being wrong, absolutely hate it, but I will be the first one willing to admit it when I am. Sometimes I don't realize I've done something wrong because it was unintentional, but with my friends, I've tried to build a relationships that are open and honest. This way they can point out to me when I need to change or correct something that I have done or am doing. So in my eyes, it's all about being strong enough to take responsibility for yourself.

Motto: Be willing to admit your wrongs and take on the responsibility of making them right.

For now, This is my Manifesto

"Musica is Me Gusta"

Yeah, what about that title? Pretty awesome I know...though I am not too sure I used those words right, which probably means that title makes no sense, but the concept is clear. Music is very good. If the concept of music were a person I would make sweet sweet passionate love to it, and then in the morning bring it breakfast in bed. I would say it's safe to say that my obsession is music. I have eargasms at least ten times a day. It's FANTASTIC!

Anyway... I actually wanted to take a moment away from my normal blogs to post this blog. At the bottom of my page there is a list of  some artists that I really enjoy, some you may have heard of others maybe not so much. I would seriously encourage you to check them out, good music can do great things for the human soul.

And here are some people I'd like the add to my list but am to lazy at the moment to do so:
Meese

White Rabbits

Silversun Pickups

Ha Ha Tonka

...Also I just wanted to say...that I am still adapting to blogging, and you'll probably notice my blogs improve as I go along. I may even do some Vlogs {GASP!} I may be shunned from the blogging community for that last comment...Cause this isn't youtube Ashley! I know, I know. But I don't think it would hurt to have some visual interaction. Just a thought. I'm throwing it out there.

That's all I can think of at the moment. Enjoy. I will now return you to the usual blogging experience you will find on my page.

"My Conscience is kinda an Asshole"

You know whenever I imagine a conscience I imagine the movie Pinocchio and his little grasshopper friend Jiminy Cricket. If you have ever seen the movie then you probably recall that he was Pinocchio's Conscience and he was suppose to help guide him with wisdom and shit...Kinda like his own personal Buddha or Ghandi maybe...

I would like to say for the record that is not what the universe gave me. No instead the universe gave me a conscience that acts a little more like this:

Me: Just minding my own business, maybe in a library reading a book
Conscience: Oh hey Ashley, long time no talk...Just kidding (Haha), Hey...hey...Remember that time you you ripped your pants and everyone saw your underwear...
Me: Ignoring it, and continues reading...
Conscience: You remember? I mean you really split them good! And everyone...I MEAN EVERYONE saw it happen.
Me: Deep sigh, continue to ignore but losing focus...read same sentence ten times.
Conscience: Hey...Hey...You remember how everyone laughed. I was so embarassed for you...You must have been really Embarassed.
Me: OKAY I SHOULD HAVE INVESTED IN PANTS THAT FIT ME! ARE YOU HAPPY?! NOW SHUT UP!
Conscience: Silence...
Me: Finally!
Conscience: Hey...You remember when you peed your pants in the school bathroom...


Yeah so as you can see I got stuck with this asshole. So today my motto is this:
When your inner monologue is getting to be a bitch, remember that past is the past and there isn't any use crying over spilled milk.

This is my Manifesto

"You're only human afterall"

There are times when you have to realize one simple truth... Those tears you are sheading aren't for Him or her or them or whoever...Those tears are for yourself and your hurt, and it's okay to let them fall if that is going to make you feel better and help you heal.

Motto: It's okay to hurt and to express that hurt. Don't ever feel stupid for that.

This is my Manifesto.

"Sometimes I just want to set you on fire...Just kidding. {But seriously}"

Today I watched a friend of mine burn pictures of her life with her ex-husband. We all stood around this charcoal grill as she threw her pictures in and squirted a Shit ton of lighter fluid on them, and then struck a match and chucked it in. BAM! Those pictures were gone in one quick moment, the heat and flames melting and erasing years of memories. I'd say that was the best kind of therapy. It got me wishing that I too could burn up all the memories I had of my past relationship. It would be such a relief to have it all gone.

I'm all about forgiveness and moving on, don't get me wrong. But sometimes you just want to give that person the middle finger and tell them to fuck off.

I mean we all go through the stages of break-ups....the I-cry-everytime-something-reminds-me-of-you, the I-want-them-I-need-them, the I-must-flirt-with-every-guy-to-feel-better-about-myself, the I-swear-if-I-ever-see-you-again-I-will-punch-you, the I-realize-now-how-awesome-I-am-without-you....

So if you're going through a break-up you should know now that it is going to be quite sometime before you get over it. But rest assured you will get over it. Not everything lasts forever, the world is far to finite for that to be possible. 

Another life motto: You won't always get what you want, but you will always get what you need.

So just try to remember that even in sucky situations that you will always have what you need, maybe that's good friends, or awesome family. A lesson learned. whatever. The universe does not leave you empty handed.

As always This is my Manifesto.

"How about a side of crazy with that?"

Here's some quick 101 on yours truly I am a huge mental case. This is not a joke. I am completely 100% serious. I am what one might call a Hypochondriac with some mild OCD because of that.
Oh I'm really good at hiding most of my habits because I realized pretty quickly its not normal to be so spaztastic...It makes people think your weird. I mean society has it's unwritten rules about what they deem to be normal behavior and what makes you a complete outcast. I'm not saying that it's good or bad, I'm just saying that it's true.

So let me welcome you into my mind for a bit. At any given moment this is what is running through my head, 'Was that freckle there yesterday' 'I have a headache, it must be a brain tumor' 'Where did this bruise come from, I must have cancer'...Etc...And this is a constant thing..it never really shuts off. I'm always thinking about death. I know it's creepy, it's not because I'm suicidal or anything like that so don't go freaking out. It's only that I am always assuming that I am dying, and I know logically that I am not dying, but when I get in this mode it's like I have no logical thought process at all. It's like I'm two people almost and when the crazy me takes over and the calm me just stands on the sidelines and watches. These thoughts can consume me at times pretty severely and that's when I get become Spazerilla.

Let me give you an examples of my spaziness:
1. I can't touch raw meat, if I do then I will spend about ten minutes washing and rewashing my hands in scolding hot water even though it hurts. And then spend another fifteen minutes after that worrying that I didn't get my hands clean enough.
2. I can't eat any meat that is at all pink or I feel isn't cooked to my standards.
3. I can't handle chemicals...and by that I mean cleaning products or like bug sprays or things that could also cause me hard. When I do force myself I have to use gloves and the entire time I'm completely stressed that it is going to get on me or into my body....
4. I get panic attacks over this stuff.

Do you see how illogical all that is? I mean sure it's good to think about safety but I mean I go way over the top and trust me I don't want to be like that, it's frustrating when you know that you are being completely ridiculous but you can't stop yourself from responding that way. It's not something that I can easily just tell myself not to do, even though I wish it were.

I have gotten a lot better then I used to be, and I work at it daily to try to correct my way of thinking or at least bring myself under control. I mean mental health isn't something people really focus a lot of time on, but just like physical health if you don't take care of yourself, you can get very unhealthy. I should know. I am a huge mental case. This is only one of my problems amongst others but all of them come from what I like to call a distorted way of thinking. I'm not saying I am bad or that anyone like me is bad. I'm just acknowledging that I have a problem because it effects the quality of my life in a negative way.

My Life motto is this:
Be honest with yourself and Be honest with others. This is just taking my own advice. I have nothing to hide. I love myself for who I am, even the parts of me that make me Spazerific!

Once again this is my manifesto.

"Am I the only one who wanted to be a cat lady growing up?"

I think I may have forgotten what it's like to be single. I mean sure I only dated the guy for a year but that was a year of my life that I spent devoting my time and energy to someone other then myself. Not that I am super selfish or anything but when you date someone their needs come first, Usually. Now that I am a single woman again [Well technically I've been single for like five months but I was dealing with the emotions of a break up and why am I explaining myself?]. So now that I am ready in some ways to be back on the market, I realize that I have completely forgotten how it was to be single.

I crush on like every sweet guy that bats his eyelashes in my direction. Thoughts that run through my head on average: 'Look at how perfect his smile is' 'Oh my gosh, he is so funny and we get along so easily' 'Who knows, this may be the one for me'...etc. You get the point. That's slightly pathetic, don't you think? I mean come on you think I wouldn't be so school-girlish after everything that has happened, but no. Here I am again back at the beginning. I am circulating around with the rest of the mainstream world that is searching for "the one". Though that is a concept I don't believe in. But the desire to find someone to connect with on a completely unique and significant level... I totally understand and even support that.

I think I need to implement a new thing for myself...That I try to look at every person as a possible friend, instead of a possible love interest. That might help me keep everything light-hearted and less attached until I figure out everything that I'm going through and how to live for myself. I don't want to build my life around someone else, I want to build my life for me and then invite someone to come share those experiences with me. Because I've often heard that the best kinds of love always bud from really great friendships.

So here's to my quest for a really great friendship with a strong leading male. Wish me luck virtual community of people who may or may not be reading this.

This is my Manifesto.